Yardwork

The neverending task of yardwork...I inspected the work of the yard boy, he spent a good portion of the day mowing, weedeating, and did a much better job than last time. Considering the scope of the land,$50 seems like a reasonable amount. I used to enjoy cutting the grass with a push mower when I lived with my parents. I just never let on that I actually liked that particular chore. Now, I find a great dislike and a certain amount of pain associated with the grass. It tickles my legs with its long tendrils curling upwards, potentially hiding skinny reptiles that flick their tongues in boredom. Ugh, just imagining that creature makes me want to draw my legs up on the chair in an attempt to get away from that snake. Now, my brain knows that there is most definitely not one beneath my chair, while sitting at the kitchen table, yet my heart beats rapidly at the thought..

7-30

Fatigue marks my every step as I wearily plod through the house towards my bedroom and my nice comfy bed. I can barely hold my head up as the sandman begins to work his magic. My eyelids close then blink awake even as I write this blog. Such a long, weary, emotionally draining day. Answering some questions, avoiding others. I actually had thoughts last night that are NOT normal.. I will not be taking prozac again--suicidal thoughts are a side effect.. Tonight, I lay my weary head to rest on my pillows, awaiting the blissful sleep to take away the physical pain that has manifested itself..

crisis pregnancy center

I can't believe it's already 2am, in about 9 hours it will be time for a trip to the Crisis Pregnancy Center. I am in need of some maternity dresses as I cannot fit into regular clothes. My plan is to return some pants in exchange for dresses, preferably sleeveless and comfortable, that don't make me appear 6 mos pregnant. I also hope to gain knowledge about postpartum depression and local support groups. Well, that's all for now..time to cry myself to sleep...gnight all

a new perspective

Adversity is another way to measure the greatness of individuals. I never had a crisis that didn't make me stronger." - Lou Holtz instead of asking, "What can I get? What can I take? What can I gain?" ask, "What can I give? What can I share? What can I contribute?" Charles, A new dawn has broken in my life. I had a wakeup call, an epiphany, you might say. As I blog, I ponder things, so today/tonight's blog is what can I do for you that will enrich your life? The blog is a work in progress like myself. So instead of me asking, "What can I get? What can I take? What can I gain?" I am asking, "What can I give? What can I share? What can I contribute?" "How can I help you?" How can I make your life better if only for a moment, day, week, month, year, lifetime? Not for my benefit, but for yours.. Here is tonight's inspirational quote: "Adversity is another way to measure the greatness of individuals. I never had a crisis that didn't make me stronger." - Lou Holtz I hope that you are starting to see the strong woman that I am becoming, not the weak, indecisive one you have seen in the past. Think of me not as an old dog who can't learn new tricks, rather as a new puppy, once again ready for life to begin, eager to learn new tricks and soak up life's experiences. Yes, I have some old habits to break; it takes time so be patient with me. This is my new chapter in the book of life, brand new, squeaky clean. Epiphany one: I had put you on a pedestal the day you gave me that ring and roses on my birthday.. I treasured every good moment and tried to put a positive spin on even the bad ones when you lost your temper and would lash out. I love you so much more than before...I hope you realize that almost dying has truly changed me. The only thoughts I had at the moment I couldn't breathe, and my life flashed before my eyes as they rushed me into the OR: I wish you were here, I hope Izzie is okay, I want my parents, and I really don't want to die yet. I'm seeing things from a new perspective. 20 years is a long time to not get along with my mother and perhaps if I'd spent that time enjoying her presence rather than resenting it, things would have been a little different. Izzie almost died and if that had happened, I would have been even more devestated than I am at the moment. Words cannot express the bond that formed between me and my daughter. And yes, although I signed the relinquishment papers, she is still my daughter; I am still a mommy. I cherish the moments that I held her in my arms, where she heard my voice, singing to her, reading nursery rhymes to her. I even got to feed her and change a diaper. Yet it is torture to see the pictures and not hold her, not see her, but it would be so much worse without those pictures of a healthy, growing, beautiful baby girl, who I know is dearly loved, cared for, and going to be spoiled rotten. She has wrapped her tiny fingers around my heart, a part of me, that would feel empty without. I wonder if you will ever understand, or if I'll ever even send this to you, but for now, know that I love you dearly. I strongly believe she is ours...and in my heart, that is so... I regret that you never got to hold her....I think you might have seen a miracle. My parents have forgiven me and they have much to be angry about too. I so wish you would, even further down the road. You once saw me as your soul mate, not that long ago... With all my heart, love your Ruth gnight

"The first requisite of success is the ability to apply your physical and mental energies to one problem without growing weary." - Thomas Edison

success

"The first requisite of success is the ability to apply your physical and mental energies to one problem without growing weary." - Thomas Edison Success city lies on the other side of failureville

postpartum visit

Why must people ask when I am due or how far along am I? I'm no longer pregnant...more like 7 weeks, 2 days, 12 hours postpartum

philosophy not physics

posted on a man's formum [quote]Do humans choose their actions freely, exercising their own power of will, or do external and prior causes (even the will of God) determine our acts?[/quote] Chuck has been thinking about things and here is his post: [quote] As for this, sounds more like philosophy than physics to me... With that said, I love philosophy and have read a lot of books about it. I think about the question above a lot, I have come to the belief that we act freely however I believe that there are pre-ordained events in our lives...our destiny if you will, and we as human beings have the freedom to make a choice that will effect our immediate future...I also feel that the end destination is the same regardless of the decision we make in our lives. The best example I can give would be to look at Rand McNally road map/atlas, when you're finding ways to get to your destination notice how there's many different roads or paths, there are shortcuts and scenic routes. Well I feel that's a great example on human life, filled with different paths we can take that will effect our trip, when we come to a crossroad we have to make a decision that can alter our trip but ultimately the destination will always remain the same.[quote] C.R.C. altered lives by one choice...shortcuts are good when you're in a hurry and the scenic routes when it's more about the journey than the destination..

why bother

I feel like screaming...he doesn't care, he's so emotionally distant, callous, cruel, hateful, unloving, silent tears once again stream down my face..another night of crying myself to sleep....it has become pure TORTURE... And you want to know what the sad thing is...right this very minute, he is sitting not even one yard away...at the kitchen table, next to me... I can't take another minute of biting my lip, pretending everything is okay, I'm doing fine, and no, I don't hurt at all... When I feel like he's twisting a knife on the inside, totally indifferent to the pain he is causing.. Why should I even bother anymore?! I hurt inside and out. I don't want to see anyone, go anywhere, or do anything. My hobbies are no longer something I care about. He doesn't love me anymore... WHy bother loving him, it hurts too much....

Success lies on the other side of Failure

"Yesterday is not ours to recover, but tomorrow is ours to win or to lose." - Lyndon B. Johnson <b>One of the most important lessons you can learn on your road to success is that failure is not a final destination, but rather a place you pass through on your way to achieving your goals. Here is a picture to show you what I mean: This simple picture illustrates a number of very important points about the relationship between failure and success: 1. There is only one road to Success City 2. The road to Success City passes through Failureville 3. One of the main reasons people never reach Success City is because they are so afraid of driving through Failureville that they never begin their journey. So what does this mean in the real world? It means that failure is not the opposite of success as many people assume. On the contrary, failure is an important part of achieving success. In fact, it is usually through the process of trying and failing that we learn the lessons we need in order to ultimately achieve our goals in life. My favourite quote regarding the relationship between failure and success comes from the legendary basketball player Michael Jordan: "I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life and that is why I succeed." – Michael Jordan When you understand the fact that success lies on the other side of failure you will be much better prepared for the journey that leads to achieving your most important life goals. Until next time, Dare To Dream!

7-23 Crying

I cried myself to sleep last night as the weariness and frustrations and pain crept across my mind to completely consume me in utter exhaustion.Result: tears of frustration at not being good enough, never good enough. He didn't even bother to read what I had sent, just deleted it, erased it's existence as if he didn't care. Ugh, this was want sent me into a bought of tears, silent, streaming down my face and he didn't even notice. He didn't even check on me to make sure I was okay, he just played his games, immersed totally, and bugged by a real life conversation, like I was an interruption and a bother. So I said I was going to just lay down for a brief nap. I ended up falling asleep...crying my eyes out... This has been pretty typical of each day.

7-22

I'm in a reflective state of mind today, found these inspirational and motivational quotes when I logged into my gmail and yahoo accounts: "You must take personal responsibility. You cannot change the circumstances, the seasons, or the wind, but you can change yourself" - Jim Rohn "All blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another, and regardless of how much you blame him, it will not change you" - Wayne Dyer "Strength does not come from winning Your struggles develop your strength. When you go through hardship and decide not to surrender, that is strength." "What we think or what we know or what we believe is, in the end, of little consequence. The only consequence is what we do" - John Ruskin "Achievement seems to be connected with action. Successful men and women keep moving. They make mistakes, but they don't quit." - Conrad Hilton "Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase. Just take the first step." - Martin Luther King Jr. "If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours." "People rarely succeed unless they have fun in what they are doing." - Dale Carnegie Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life. - Berthold Auerbach "Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do." - John Wooden "I just don’t feel like doing this today BUT I will do it anyway! " That last one caught my eye b/c my motivation seems to be fluctuating throughout the day. I can do a little more each day, it might not be noticable at first, but it's there. Your Past Does Not Dictate Your Future I choose not to worry about every little thing so Let the adventures in the book of life commence.. :-0)

Free blogging; expensive therapy

Blogging my unpredictable feelings and thoughts is free, but therapy is expensive and hard to find. So I shall pretend you are my therapist and vent my deepest, heartfelt emotions as they come to me, uncensored, unedited. So pull up a chair and listen to your heart's content. I am being purposefully vague on some issues and events that lead to my current circumstances. This is the vulnerable me, open to your perusal. This is not the put-together-face that I project onto the world. However, the thought of someone reading all about my insecurities makes my skin crawl. Perhaps I should leave my insecurities in the draft folder and not hit publish in such haste. I should re-read and edit everything to give you my best censored thoughts, grammatically correct. No misconstruing allowed, no accusations, making sure you understand what I mean to convey. To make sure I don't hurt my loved ones. Will I ever be able to make it up to the man I hurt, will he ever forgive me? I don’t know, but my heart's cry is yes, I hope so, with every breath I take. I hope I figure out some way to right my many wrongs. Even if it takes me the next 50 years, I will do my absolute best to never give up on our love. I hope he reads this blog someday; there are things I could never say in person, face to face, with the man I love. He thinks I haven't changed at all. What can I do to assure him that I have? I almost died and this second chance has given me a new voice. On blog, I am no longer the timid, don't want to rock the boat, young woman, on blog, I am woman, hear me roar! Here is the only place I can let out my silent scream of anger, anger at myself, at him, at that one I abhor, at everyone who has ever called me stupid! I have a college degree, how can I be stupid? Even if it took me longer than most. That's all for now, time to get up from this hard, uncomfortable chair, take a shower, yes, it's been awhile, so you can imagine the smell, and face what's left of the rest of today. I think I may have an opportunity to spend some time with the one I adore. The temperatures have climbed down in their intensity; hope to see the sunset and my mind fill with a small measure of peace.

7-20

I woke up this morning nauseous as all get out and in pain, blood-soaked pad. To make matters worse my stomach has reached the end of its capacity. Without going into detail, I have a severe case of constipation that as of yet has not been resolved. On another note, I have revamped my resume in hope of a receptionist position once I fully recover and doctor releases me...

7-19

So I turn to journaling, thinking that if I bottle everything up and say nothing, I will explode in anger then tears. I've turned into quite the little hermit, living alone in isolation, without feeling, thinking, I’ve turned numb inside to the pain that threatens my happiness. It slowly seeps out of me in some vestiges as I recall what might have been. I long for arms to wrap me in love and proclaim that everything will be okay, my lopsided world will be righted, even if I know it can never be. I am crying my outrage through silent tears that rock my world but not in a good way. No one understands how I feel. Time doesn’t always heal all wounds; I have been scarred for life with this experience, literally and figuratively. So I write to prevent the eventual meltdown, the breakdown of my carefully erected walls. Things which once interested me hold no value, I could care less about. I can never get this time back; it is gone for good… oh how I long for a time machine to change the past in so many ways. I would carefully rehearse each phrase, look intently at the reaction and truly listen to what was not being said aloud. I made a mistake that I would gladly erase just for another chance at true happiness. I never realized it would hurt this much to feel like a piece of me has been ripped out, never to be heard from again. My silent howl rips from my lips, no one can see how shaken I’ve become. My steps unsteady, hesitant, the pain rears its ugly head at the most inopportune moments. I throw the pillow over my head and sigh, another sleepless night ensues. Dawn breaks through the window to my world, must move on, but how can I when a piece of me has gone missing.